Sleep training

I went through 15 minutes of emotional turmoil last night. We tried the whole sleep training with Mason. It was absolutely awful. He cried and cried in his crib while I sat beside him, trying to offer comfort. I picked him up after 15 minutes and his tiny arms clutched my neck tightly while he hiccuped and sniffled for another 15 minutes. Then I slowly rocked him to sleep as he stared up at me with his big blue eyes, seemingly saying "well, why couldn't we have just done this in the first place?".

William Sears. Richard Ferber. Kim West. Elizabeth Pantley. Harvey Karp.

Sleep experts, they call themselves.

I've read all their books.

Some ideas I thought were useful. Others simply appalling.

I liked Sears' attachment parenting. I liked Pantley's "no-cry" approach. I LOVED Karp's steps to quiet an infant with the "S's" and "4th trimester" philosophy. I have even tried some of their approaches.


Did you know...

... that general requirements for a 3 year old (like my Austen) is 10 1/2 hours of nighttime sleep, and 1 1/2 hours for an afternoon nap which equals 12 hours!
... that Megan, as a 5 year old, should be sleeping 11 hours at night (no naps).
... that a 15 month old (Mason) needs 11 1/4 hours of nighttime sleep and between 2 1/4 and 2 1/2 hours for naptime (whether he's having 2 naps or transitioning to 1 nap)
...that I've been doing soooo much reading on sleep the last 5 years that I could write my own book.
...that I have tried a few different sleep training methods but have not succeeded with any of them.

Today I came across a "letter to the editor" in a parenting magazine and this is what it said:

"While I was pregnant, I had all sorts of beliefs about parenting based on my training in developmental psychology. But once I held my sweet baby in my arms, much of that changed. So when I read the question from a mother worried about her friends' judgment that she should stop nursing her baby to sleep, I wanted to reach out and tell her what I've learned through doing, rather than reading.
I nursed my son until he was 32 months old (yes, that's just over 2 1/2 years). I had to fend off the "nursing past the age of one" critics as my big toddler lay at my breast to fall asleep. I hoped that my instincts were right and all the "experts" were wrong. And guess what, they were! My son weaned himself that year, slowly leaving bedtime feeding last. And within a week, he was able to fall asleep on his own without the night of tears many parents have to endure. My only regret is all the nights I stayed up worrying he would never be able to sleep alone. My advice: Trust yourself, trust your baby and ask yourself, "Does this feel right for us?" If the answer is yes - just do it. - Lindsay Fiebig, Calgary."
Today's Parent magazine, September 2010



And I have concluded that...

...I cannot stand to hear my children cry themselves to sleep. With each child we tried a different method to get them "sleep trained" (as the 'experts' like to call it) and none of it was right for us.
...My five year old and three year old sleep through the night without any trauma from some kind of sleep training.
...I ENJOY watching my 15 month old fall asleep in my arms.
...Sooo many people critique others on whether your child is sleeping on their own, or sleeping through the night, because they feel that that is the RIGHT way. It's not necessarily the RIGHT way...it's what is right for your family and you.
...I love having a small warm body cuddled up close to me and he enjoys waking up and knowing that he is safe and secure.
...there are times when it's not fun, when I'm tired, when I'd rather be sleeping by myself comfortable in my own bed, but no one ever said that parenthood was easy and restful. I figure this is what I signed on for!
...when I'm rocking my babe to sleep, I am comforted by his rhythmic breathing, by his quiet sleepy sounds, and I am reminded again of how precious their life is. I don't need to train him...we'll use the gentle approach to get him to sleep...
...if I look at the sleep requirements for my 3 children, I can see that all 3 are getting the amount of sleep they need. Sure, they're up at the crack of dawn, but so are we! Our days start early, but we get to spend some extra time with our kids in the morning which is great!

...and lastly, sleep training has its benefits. Quick fixes that, if you can stand to hear your child cry, work. But if you're faint-of-heart like myself, then you find what works for you. And you stick with that. Hey, life goes fast. They grow up before you know it, and then they're sleeping in their own beds and you'll want to wish they would get up and join you just so you could snuggle for a bit.

"We tried everything to get our baby to sleep through the night, and nothing was working. So I tried changing my attitude. Expecting my baby to sleep through the night when it wasn't happening was making me angry, and that kept me awake even more. Once I changed my attitude and reminded myself that it's normal, natural, and expected for babies to wake up at night, I slept better. It's much more difficult to get angry about something you expect and perceive as normal." - The Baby Sleep Book, Sears




Below are some general guidelines as to how many hours of sleep the AVERAGE child requires at various ages.


3 months: 10 hours at night, 5 napping hours per day (3 naps) = total 15 hours
6 months: 11 hours at night, 3.25 napping hours per day (2-3 naps) = total 14.25 hours
9 months: 11 hours at night, 3 napping hours per day (2 naps) = total 14 hours
12 months: 11.25 hours at night, 2.5 napping hours per day (2 naps) = total 13.75 hours
18 months: 11.25 hours at night, 2.25 napping hours per day (1 nap) = total 13.5 hours
2 years: 11 hours at night, 2 napping hours per day (1 nap) = total 13 hours
3 years: 10.5 hours at night, 1.5 napping hours per day (1 nap) = total 12 hours
4 years: 11.5 hours at night, no naps = total 11.5 hours
5 years: 11 hours at night, no naps = total 11 hours


-Kim West & Richard Ferber